"Someone Like Me..."

This blog post is dedicated to an especially fantastic young man who is constantly seeking God but has never thought himself good enough to die for. I love you little brother.

I found him sitting in the corner of a back room. He was in tears, his head in his hands, and his heart humbled. I had asked earlier if he was alright, and he had lied. I came up behind him and gave him a huge hug then sat down in front of him and held his hands. I used to wonder why God moved me from place to place so much, why I could never stay in one city and get comfortable; but that was before I figured out I was supposed to have an affect on many different people. Like the kid in front of me for example. This kid is amazing, I would probably do anything for him, I thought as he continued to cry. I love him like a brother. His tears began to subside gradually and again I asked what was wrong, hoping to get an honest answer this time. Luckily I did.

He said (and I quote), "The only way for me to really serve God is through forgiveness. I think I just forgave someone in a huge way. But I have done so many worse things in my life, I just don't understand how God could ever forgive or even love someone like me..." My heart sank. If he had any inkling of how many times I have been in that exact state of mind, maybe he would understand.

Someone like me...

In that instant I had so many flashbacks of the times that I have questioned God's love because of my tragic flaws. Every moment of pain I have experienced wondering why such a perfect being would have compassion on "someone like me". Why the God of the universe would send His only Son to spill his unfathomably pure blood for a stain creature, "someone like me". Why "someone like me" would even be worth that for any reason at all.

Woah.

I squeazed his hands and tried to stay strong. This kid is a brother to me. I love him and so does God and so do many many other people, and here he was disgusted with himself like I have been so many MANY times before. I told him he was covered, that everything he had done in the past and every flaw he was ashamed of didn't make God love him any less, that in fact, it made God love him all the more. We have an affectionate God who is impressed by the repentance of your failures more than he is impressed by your greatest victories. Someone like me, I told him, is a sentence I utter to myself every moment of the day, every time I close my eyes to go to bed at night. Everytime I fail.

Someone like me...

He told me that I was the one he knew he could come to about anything, and that is something I value more than I can express. I am so grateful for God's hand on me. I'm so glad he can use me even though I often feel like He can't. No matter how many times I wonder why someone like me could be worthy of God's love, the answer will always be bigger and better and more indescribably incredible for my comprehension, for anyone's comprehension.

Someone like me... Is exactly the kind of person God can orchestrate to do His sovreign will.

Weakened

It's been a long while since i've posted anything, and that's a shame. I let my life get so busy and hectic that I forgot why I started this blog; It is supposed to be an outlet for my struggles, an encouragment to my brothers and sisters, and a tool to strengthen my faith. Instead i've let it get burried in the back of my closet like an old relic from another life. At least, that's what it feels like.

Strange to be writing again. I miss it.

This is something I really wanted to share. Something that was important enough to me to linger on my mind for the past several weeks and strong enough to compell me to write about it. I've had a lot of loneliness in my heart for many months and I have let my weaknesses get the best of me more times then I wish to relate to you. The Friday before last I broke and everything I was holding inside was let out in the middle of a public place. Awesome.

I couldn't stop crying, it was UNBEARABLE. I had built up just such an expectation for myself, a specific and set way I wanted to be as a Christian. My dream was to hold my ground and not give into temptations or sin or anger or any of it... I wanted to be strong enough to endure. BOY, did Christ confront me with my own ignorance. I have no such capabilities. I sat slumped over with some of my best friends by my side (how dare I feel so alone in the midst of such wonderful people) unable to choke out even a sentence of the disappointment I felt. My mouth was rendered inutile, but my mind was racing. How did I get to this point of weakness? I just wanted to serve God and everytime I try I fail, everytime I even attempt to do something in His glory, the world works against me to the point where I am distraught and relenting. WHY?

I am SO dumb! Seriously? I'm just one person, how the heck did I think I could take on the world alone? Sure I guess my motives were well directed, but isn't the road to hell paved with good intentions? I was trying (without my realizing it) to bring glory to God without the help of God HIMSELF. Ladies and gentlemen, if you've ever had an encounter with Him, you know He likes bringing Himself glory, and my is it well deserved! My weakness is His strength, and there I was thinking my strength was His strength. Silly girl, silly girl. After I came to this realization, I felt SO much better. I prayed about it and found that if I had to pick between being strong&proud vs. weak&humble, I would gladly choose the latter. So would God.

2 Corinthians 11:29-30 

JC Goes M.I.A.

Ok, so admittedly, it's a funny title. Jesus Christ goes missing in action. Before you read the rest of this, I would like to encourage you to go read Luke 2:41-52. It's really funny in a sad way. Twelve year old Jesus goes missing, so naturally Mary and Joseph freak out like any other parents who lost their twelve year old child would. They search for him, looking for him among their friends and family, tracing their steps back to Jerusalem, and basically running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Finally, they check the synagogue; Low and behold, Jesus is there. Mary scolds him for going away from them, but Jesus says something that makes so much sense that I just sat there for a second and pondered it. "Why were you searching for me? Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?"

When I was seven, I went "missing" in Wal-Mart. Actually, I told my mom 3 times where I was going to be, but she wasn't listening to me. "Hey mom, I’m going to the arcade. Mom, I’m going to go to the arcade ok? Mommy, I’ll be playing games in the arcade." So I went to the arcade. Kids like arcades! It would make perfect sense to go looking for a kid in the arcade, wouldn't it? I guess not, because after about 20 minutes, she had the whole store looking for me. When she finally found me, she burst into tears and hugged me and kissed me like she thought she'd lost me forever, which I guess I understand in some respects, but at the time I was in shock and all I said was, "I told you where I was going to be..."

The synagogue was the last place that Mary and Joseph looked, but it should have been the first. Put two and two together! Son of God>>> let’s check the synagogue! It seems simple right? It seems simple enough... But really, don't we all make that mistake? Don't we all look for Christ in the last places He would be, but never in the first place He would be? Do you ever feel like a chicken running around with your head cut off, trying to find Christ? Do you ever feel like you've lost Him, like He isn't around, like He is distant or has departed from you...?

WHY? He TOLD us where He would be! And even if He didn't tell us, wouldn't it be obvious? Christ died so that we could have the Holy Spirit within us (John 7:38-39) so why are we ignoring it? We should KNOW it's there. We should KNOW where Jesus is. He told us! Take Him at His Word, and never believe that Christ is gone from you or invisible or departed. He IS omnipresent. Everywhere, inside and out. Even though He is with The Father, He is also within us. Never tell yourself anything different. God didn't leave you. Christ didn't abandon you. The Trinity is like a rock that never moves. So did you ever think... Maybe we are the ones who move away? More soon

I Hand Everything Over

If you've ever read the book Radical by David Platt, you know  it's insane. No lie, it will mess you up. I'm barely half way through and it has already changed so much about the way I think. Platt gives his first hand experiences of poverty and need in the world, but more than that he gives examples of people who are ready to hand everything over just to learn the gospel. Before I start off on a rant about this amazing book, let me just say what we were meant to do with the Word of God. We are not only meant to enjoy His grace, we are meant to extend His glory. It's important for us to go out into the world and reproduce the Word of God. Platt gives us a picture of almost a hundred people jam packed into a tiny room with one light, no chairs, no music, nothing but Bibles open on their laps and thirst in their souls. These people were gathered together to  learn about the gospel. Not to be with friends or listen to music or out of habit. This is absolutely amazing! These people risk their lives and the lives of their families to get their hands on the Word of God and learn! We are so guilty as a culture for ignoring the Word of God... It's SO abundant and so few people use it the way it was meant to be used. We sit in our comfortable chairs in church and listen to stories of missionaries and give offering and listen to music and the truth is we don't appreciate it like we should... We don't appreciate hearing the Word of God like we need to. People DIE for it. Why can't we live for it...?

Some of what Platt is saying, frankly, hurts. And it hurts a lot. So many of us (me included) we don't want to face the fact that we have been mediocre disciples... I am throughly guilty of being self-centered and looking at the world through my eyes alone. It's just true. A lot of us are guilty of that because we are human. But being human won't prevent us from realizing what we are not doing... Christianity is one of the only religions in the world that bases our belief system on things we don't do. "I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't cheat on my wife, I don't kill people, I don't, I don't, I don't"...... BUT WHAT DO WE DO? "I serve God by living every day in his name. I feed the hungry. I care for the poor. I love my neighbor." Doesn't that sound more like a Christian? We can't earn salvation through what we do, but remember that faith without works is dead. Let there be some evidence of your salvation in your life. LIVE. SERVE. Do it for those brothers and sisters on the other side of the world who are being persecuted in ways that you can't imagine. Do it for your Lord.

What if we handed everything over? What if we gave up all we have? Radical is a wake up call. Go read it. I'm starting to see how ignorant I really am and how many opportunities and blessings that God has given me just so that I can use those blessings to serve others. Our God is amazing, and this book is a perfect example of how God can use one man to impact the world. He goes to New Orleans and sets up a stand next to the Voodoo Queen of New Orleans and puts up a sign that says "We'll Tell You Your Future For Free". People come and they tell them about Jesus, and many of them come to Christ. A drug smuggler is changed by the power of the Holy Spirit and ends up using his expertise to smuggle Bibles into foreign countries. SERIOUSLY amazing stuff... Check it out!

When in Doubt, Walk to Church

I think it goes without saying that when people are angry, they are more likely to do something stupid and reckless. In the same way, when a disciple is fed up with nondiscipleship, they are prone to radical actions. Both applied to me yesterday. Being angry and fed up, I did something that was stupid, reckless, and radical. I left my house without a word and followed a path I had never even set foot on before, putting one foot in front of the other until I was completely and utterly lost. My thoughts were: "If I loose my way, i'll go back the way I came and it will take me where I want to go." and "It doesn't really matter where this road leads, as long as it gets me away from here." As I went further and further from home, crossing in and out of the woods, over a stone bridge, out of my neighborhood all together, and down the main road, I realized that turning back and going the way I came was not an option. After several hours of seemingly aimless walking, my legs were aching. I hadn't stopped anywhere, I hadn't eaten anything the entire day, and I felt sick. I just wanted to be home.


I kept walking. Walking and walking and walking. Down the road, past power lines, by speeding cars. It was like I was going to walk until I died. Then, everything started to look familiar in the strangest way. There were things I thought I recognized, but I was in a place I had never been before. But something told me to keep walking, so I did. Eventually, I came to a sign that told me where I was, and an indescribable relief washed over me instantly. I was headed towards my church.


I had been gone from home for about 4 hours at that point with no water. 4 hours of walking, no water, middle of summer in 95 degree heat... Like I said, Stupid and reckless. So my main line of thinking was to get to the church to get water. It was a while before I finally reached it, and when I did I was praying that the doors would be open because I was extremely dehydrated. Low and behold, the doors were open, and the church was empty and dark. I stumbled in, drank my fill from the fountain, and entered the main sanctuary. I was alone. The only light was bleeding into the room through the large stained glass cross, all was quiet. And that's the point where I thought, "Maybe this walk about wasn't such a bad idea after all..."


It's the people that make the church, but theres something about being in the house of God that is absolutely wonderful. I stood in the quiet for a while, feeling at peace and at home in this place where the word of God had been preached and the Holy Spirit had dwelt. There is nothing like it.


Is this what I need to do? Just get up, get out, and follow God wherever he takes me? Does it matter that I was lost? Because I am found now. I am found in the best way possible. I've been feeling called to something more for a long time, but this experience just encouraged me all the more to be who I will become. That's why I am starting this blog. That's why i'm making sacrifices and leaving everything behind, because this world needs more of us. It needs more radical disciples. I would encourage you to venture into the uncomfortable. Go after Jesus with everything you've got, because the cost of nondiscipleship is even greater than the cost of following Him. Be brave enough to say "I'm here Lord, send me." Because when you do, He will send you, but He will also guide your footsteps. And even when it feels like you are lost, and you are tired and thirsty, and weak... Remember that He knows where you are and how you feel. If you are still filled with doubt... Just walk to church. It helps.