"Someone Like Me..."

This blog post is dedicated to an especially fantastic young man who is constantly seeking God but has never thought himself good enough to die for. I love you little brother.

I found him sitting in the corner of a back room. He was in tears, his head in his hands, and his heart humbled. I had asked earlier if he was alright, and he had lied. I came up behind him and gave him a huge hug then sat down in front of him and held his hands. I used to wonder why God moved me from place to place so much, why I could never stay in one city and get comfortable; but that was before I figured out I was supposed to have an affect on many different people. Like the kid in front of me for example. This kid is amazing, I would probably do anything for him, I thought as he continued to cry. I love him like a brother. His tears began to subside gradually and again I asked what was wrong, hoping to get an honest answer this time. Luckily I did.

He said (and I quote), "The only way for me to really serve God is through forgiveness. I think I just forgave someone in a huge way. But I have done so many worse things in my life, I just don't understand how God could ever forgive or even love someone like me..." My heart sank. If he had any inkling of how many times I have been in that exact state of mind, maybe he would understand.

Someone like me...

In that instant I had so many flashbacks of the times that I have questioned God's love because of my tragic flaws. Every moment of pain I have experienced wondering why such a perfect being would have compassion on "someone like me". Why the God of the universe would send His only Son to spill his unfathomably pure blood for a stain creature, "someone like me". Why "someone like me" would even be worth that for any reason at all.

Woah.

I squeazed his hands and tried to stay strong. This kid is a brother to me. I love him and so does God and so do many many other people, and here he was disgusted with himself like I have been so many MANY times before. I told him he was covered, that everything he had done in the past and every flaw he was ashamed of didn't make God love him any less, that in fact, it made God love him all the more. We have an affectionate God who is impressed by the repentance of your failures more than he is impressed by your greatest victories. Someone like me, I told him, is a sentence I utter to myself every moment of the day, every time I close my eyes to go to bed at night. Everytime I fail.

Someone like me...

He told me that I was the one he knew he could come to about anything, and that is something I value more than I can express. I am so grateful for God's hand on me. I'm so glad he can use me even though I often feel like He can't. No matter how many times I wonder why someone like me could be worthy of God's love, the answer will always be bigger and better and more indescribably incredible for my comprehension, for anyone's comprehension.

Someone like me... Is exactly the kind of person God can orchestrate to do His sovreign will.

Weakened

It's been a long while since i've posted anything, and that's a shame. I let my life get so busy and hectic that I forgot why I started this blog; It is supposed to be an outlet for my struggles, an encouragment to my brothers and sisters, and a tool to strengthen my faith. Instead i've let it get burried in the back of my closet like an old relic from another life. At least, that's what it feels like.

Strange to be writing again. I miss it.

This is something I really wanted to share. Something that was important enough to me to linger on my mind for the past several weeks and strong enough to compell me to write about it. I've had a lot of loneliness in my heart for many months and I have let my weaknesses get the best of me more times then I wish to relate to you. The Friday before last I broke and everything I was holding inside was let out in the middle of a public place. Awesome.

I couldn't stop crying, it was UNBEARABLE. I had built up just such an expectation for myself, a specific and set way I wanted to be as a Christian. My dream was to hold my ground and not give into temptations or sin or anger or any of it... I wanted to be strong enough to endure. BOY, did Christ confront me with my own ignorance. I have no such capabilities. I sat slumped over with some of my best friends by my side (how dare I feel so alone in the midst of such wonderful people) unable to choke out even a sentence of the disappointment I felt. My mouth was rendered inutile, but my mind was racing. How did I get to this point of weakness? I just wanted to serve God and everytime I try I fail, everytime I even attempt to do something in His glory, the world works against me to the point where I am distraught and relenting. WHY?

I am SO dumb! Seriously? I'm just one person, how the heck did I think I could take on the world alone? Sure I guess my motives were well directed, but isn't the road to hell paved with good intentions? I was trying (without my realizing it) to bring glory to God without the help of God HIMSELF. Ladies and gentlemen, if you've ever had an encounter with Him, you know He likes bringing Himself glory, and my is it well deserved! My weakness is His strength, and there I was thinking my strength was His strength. Silly girl, silly girl. After I came to this realization, I felt SO much better. I prayed about it and found that if I had to pick between being strong&proud vs. weak&humble, I would gladly choose the latter. So would God.

2 Corinthians 11:29-30