Weakened

It's been a long while since i've posted anything, and that's a shame. I let my life get so busy and hectic that I forgot why I started this blog; It is supposed to be an outlet for my struggles, an encouragment to my brothers and sisters, and a tool to strengthen my faith. Instead i've let it get burried in the back of my closet like an old relic from another life. At least, that's what it feels like.

Strange to be writing again. I miss it.

This is something I really wanted to share. Something that was important enough to me to linger on my mind for the past several weeks and strong enough to compell me to write about it. I've had a lot of loneliness in my heart for many months and I have let my weaknesses get the best of me more times then I wish to relate to you. The Friday before last I broke and everything I was holding inside was let out in the middle of a public place. Awesome.

I couldn't stop crying, it was UNBEARABLE. I had built up just such an expectation for myself, a specific and set way I wanted to be as a Christian. My dream was to hold my ground and not give into temptations or sin or anger or any of it... I wanted to be strong enough to endure. BOY, did Christ confront me with my own ignorance. I have no such capabilities. I sat slumped over with some of my best friends by my side (how dare I feel so alone in the midst of such wonderful people) unable to choke out even a sentence of the disappointment I felt. My mouth was rendered inutile, but my mind was racing. How did I get to this point of weakness? I just wanted to serve God and everytime I try I fail, everytime I even attempt to do something in His glory, the world works against me to the point where I am distraught and relenting. WHY?

I am SO dumb! Seriously? I'm just one person, how the heck did I think I could take on the world alone? Sure I guess my motives were well directed, but isn't the road to hell paved with good intentions? I was trying (without my realizing it) to bring glory to God without the help of God HIMSELF. Ladies and gentlemen, if you've ever had an encounter with Him, you know He likes bringing Himself glory, and my is it well deserved! My weakness is His strength, and there I was thinking my strength was His strength. Silly girl, silly girl. After I came to this realization, I felt SO much better. I prayed about it and found that if I had to pick between being strong&proud vs. weak&humble, I would gladly choose the latter. So would God.

2 Corinthians 11:29-30